1. Vegas Cougars
You want the cougar? You can't handle the Vegas Cougar. She is more than likely late thirties to late fourties, may or may not look like she is in the middle of a skydive thanks to her wind tunnel look from too much plastic surgery, and she will definitely buy you dinner and a drink.
Wait, free dinner and a drink so what is the issue? Vegas Cougars travel in packs, may or may not be divorced and will be ultra aggressive with younger men. The real issue is the Vegas Cougar is the queen of the follow up text, call, email, facebook friending -- so if you want to spend the next five years hearing about her marital issues, by all means join her for dinner and a drink, otherwise, walk away.
2. Hot Girls Looking Lonely & Lurking Around Casino Floors at 4 AM
Dude, she is not *that* into you. She looks way to good and way to put together for 4 AM -- why? Quite possibly because she is just starting her night, and her job. She is probably looking for a drunk guy counting his winnings and looking for someone to go upstairs with.
We said it before and we'll say it again, prostitution is illegal in Clark County. If you need help, study the women on this list before you go.
3. The Smoking Granny at the Slots.
We don't mean the smoking Granny as in cougar. We mean the smoking Granny as in smoking butts until she hits jackpot on the penny slot machines. Granny will sit there for hours and hours all the while smoking some old brand of cigarettes that she stocked up on at BJ's Warehouse before it was discontinued due to its direct link with lung cancer. Spend five minutes near Granny and you will be sick the next day with smoke inhalation injuries.
Some dudes probably seek out bachelorettes because they are easy targets and you can't blame them for that. These are girls walking around in special "I'm the Bride" outfits and weighted down with penis paraphernalia, shotglass necklaces and always-overfilled drinks. They're also sizing up the guys on the dance floor saying to themselves, "He could be the last man I ever have sex with/make out with/bump and grind with."
But dude, have you seen the amount of alcohol that the bachelorette has been knocking back? Chances are, once you get that bride-to-be back to your hotel room, she'll be too drunk to "hang out." You also risk a sloppy, drunk sobfest over the near act of cheating on her fiancee. A night full of deep meaningful relationship talk with a stranger -- is that what you want out of your trip to Sin City?
5. The Cooler Woman
Yes, coolers can come in the male variety too but we've often found that women coolers are the cruelest. Once you start hitting it big, the ever-vigilant pit boss will let you win a few more hands just to let you think you are invincible. Then he'll bring in a severe-looking woman to slow your roll. Even if it's 4:30am, she's still sharp as a tack, ready to do her job which is to make you lose.
She will either remain completely silent or feign that she doesn't understand English -- cause you know, idle chatter equals winning hands for the players. Every once in a while, in between her relentless run of Aces and Jacks, she will throw you a wry smile, acting like maybe if you stick around long enough you will win your money back.
Wrong, before you know it you will be curled up in the fetal position crying in your room. Ditch her and the pit boss she rode in on.
6. The Not-a-Woman Woman
Like any night out in the big city, you have to be careful about who's got the real goods and who's got the cleverly hidden goods.
Hell these days even Lady GaGa is subject to web rumors about her private parts. That means it isn't always easy to tell, especially under club lighting and the influence of booze. If you are questioning the femininity of any club goer it is best to just move along instead of declaring, "It's a man baby!"
7. Hitler's Woman
Avoid this crazy woman who yelled "Heil Hitler" at a Jewish man during one of those fiery Town Hall meetings over health care. Members of the Aryan nation need not heed our warning.
8. The Thief
Anytime some beautiful girl starts talking to you when there is a "Sexiest Man Alive" celeb sitting nearby (Pitt, Clooney, DiCaprio, Pattinson, maybe Efron), it is too good to be true. It's not because you're in Vegas and you must be feeling lucky. Don't fool yourself. It's because you're sitting in the high roller section at Encore and she noticed your new Panerai watch. And you're blessedly bodyguard-free.
This woman is also thinking that you might have some other goodies in your suite upstairs and wouldn't it be fun if you brought her up there and ordered some champagne and caviar before she dropped a roofie in your drink and made off with all your expensive possessions? Do your best to shoo her away unless you want to leave Vegas thousands of dollars poorer. Hmm...that will probably happen anyways. So really, it's up to you.
9. The Sex at Rehab Woman
If you meet a girl at Rehab, the Hard Rock's raunchy pool party, and she wants to have sex with you, you should first consider this: This girl is pretty crazy to want to have sex with you in public. Still, that's not so bad. After all it's Vegas and that's what a few drinks in 100+ degree weather will do to anyone. What's worse is that this girl wants to have sex with you at Rehab where several other folks have already had sex in the very same water you've been swimming in. Condoms don't work in water, do they?
10. Elvis Cross-Dressers
That's just some kinky stuff we are not ready for yet.
[Front Photo: Alaskan Dude]